Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
