So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
