Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
