maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
