this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
