Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
