Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
