Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she looked like the before picture.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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