Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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