There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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