I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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