I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
