Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
