He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
