She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
