So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
