Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
