sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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