An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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