Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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