someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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