i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
