Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
