i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
