he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
