I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I color on your dick again?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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