I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have fence marks all over my body
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
