college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
