he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
