He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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