Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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