Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
