First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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