TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
