Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
