so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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