The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
