so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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