If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
