Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
