that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my shit smells like andre
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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