I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
