If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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