Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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