watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I wear drunk well.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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