life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
