doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
