I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
