grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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