I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
