It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
