his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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