in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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