All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
