my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
