I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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