I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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