There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
