He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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