haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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