I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
