I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
