Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
